Equal and reciprocal love between adults - in marriage and committed partnerships – is in many ways more problematic now after decades of struggle for gender equality and sexual freedom. Marriage has moved from being a vow of impersonal loyalty (“in sickness and in health, until death do us part”) to a vow of personal desire (“as long as this meets my needs”). Commitment based on desire, equality and reciprocity is destabilizing because it requires ongoing negotiation of conflicts and needs. Wanting to be respected, to be cared for, and to be witnessed as yourself by someone who is an equal, leads inexorably to power struggles. This presentation introduces "personal love" and how it unfolds from falling in love, into chronic conflicts and toxic unconscious communication, and finally the ongoing process of becoming a witness and being witnessed. Participants will see that chronic projective identification between partners requires the creation of a “mindful space” of differentiation, in which both individuals must develop new psychological and spiritual skills in order to thrive as a couple.

Upon completion of this session, attendees will be able to:
1) Describe “personal love” and see describe how it differs from an attachment bond, romance and traditional contractual marriage.
2) Summarize the movement from personal love to true love in which both partners experience themselves as able to witness and to be witnessed, to accept limitations and flaws in self and other, and to remain interested in each other over time.
3) Describe “projective identification” and apply the definition to helping couples create a “mindful space” for dialogue.